October 5, 2007

• ..jimmy..

  I remember when Lyndsay was in fifth grade and they left notes for each other a couple times a week. I remember when his family started visiting JW again. I remember having a crush on him in the early days. I remember when he joined youth choir. I remember how much Caleb adored him. I remember that he hated my boyfriends. I remember flirting a lot. I remember riding in the van. I remember Dad forcing him out of the house every night. I remember taking long walks with him. I remember when he told me he was leaving for the Air Force. I remember getting really upset with him sometimes. I remember Children of Eden. I remember all the Christmas concerts. I remember driving down the mountain in the van with the windows rolled down and all of our siblings fighting. I remember listening to The Beatles for months on end. I remember attending every Trouveres performance that one year because he begged me to. I remember learning the wive's part for Joseph...so he'd have someone to practice with. I remember being really jealous. I remember when he grabbed my hand at Sweets & Songs and led me around introducing me to his teachers. I remember always claiming seats together on church trips. I remember that first kiss at Philpot Park. I remember always wanting to be his girlfriend. I remember getting poison ivy on our hikes. I remember how beautiful he made me feel. I remember sitting down in front of him on the bleachers, telling him Jamey broke up with me and watching him grin. I remember the Hill with the Meg(h)ans and the strippage. I remember crying for about three days straight when we found out boot camp was a week earlier than planned. I remember going to Dance Here! and watching him dance with himself in the mirror. I remember the last night he was here; he made me drive his van and we smoked cigars and danced on the dark street in undeveloped suburbia. I remember making it through his last day OK until he pointed out that I hadn't cried yet. I remember sitting with Amy, Caleb, Lyndsay, Chris, and Brian at my parent's house the night he left. I remember the Eddie Bauer cologne and guitars he left to me for a while. I remember writing to him every single day he was in boot camp; six whole weeks of letters. I remember coming home from A Christmas Carol tech night, two weeks after he'd left, to a voicemail from him, which was unexpected but he'd earned a phone call by saving a guy's life with the Heimlich. I remember letters...oh the sweet, heartfelt letters about seeing my name in the clouds and the dreams he had. I remember his first trip home. I remember when he asked me to marry him over and over. I remember saying no...over and over. I remember thinking I wasn't in love. I remember the 18 months that we couldn't stop talking, through California, and Cheyenne. I remember the feeling of home whenever he was there. I remember worrying so much about how I looked. I remember caring only about his opinion. I remember that last phone call when he begged me to commit to him. I remember not understanding why he wouldn't call or write back. I remember a month later hearing he was engaged. I remember the last time we spoke, when he was home for their shower and I gave him the kitchen towel set we'd picked out and joked about ever since Target opened that he had gone and registered for with her. I remember signing the lease on my apartment that day. I remember not knowing what I'd do without Meghan. I remember crying all night that night. I remember praying that he'd call and explain. I remember wishing I'd made a different choice. I remember telling the story to my next boyfriend who ended up treating me as badly as I'd treated my "dying soldier/crying shoulder". I remember Jeff looking at his picture and saying, "Yeah, you would've never lasted" and it hit home how true a statement that was.

  I don't remember much more...except that I'm glad I can't forget.

  • 8:39 pm
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